Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July fifteen.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

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Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.

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Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?

A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

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Q: And where was the location of the accident?

A: Approximately milepost 499.

Q: And where is milepost 499?

A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

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Q: Sir, what is your IQ?

A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

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Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?

A: After the accident?

Q: Before the accident.

A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

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Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?

A: Yes.

Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?

A: Yes, sir.

Q: What did she say?

A: What disco am I at?

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Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about

it until the next morning?

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Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

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Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

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Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

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Q: Did he kill you?

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Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

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Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

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Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

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Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

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Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

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Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?

A: Yes.

Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

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Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?

A: I went to Europe, Sir.

Q: And you took your new wife?

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Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

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Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?

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Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice

which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

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Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

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Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

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Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an

autopsy.

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Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

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Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began

the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?

A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.

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Q: You were not shot in the fracas?

A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

From a book called Disorder in the Courts:

Labels: funny quotes

We must have had 99 per cent of the match. It was the other three per cent that cost us.
- Ruud Gullit

Winning doesn't really matter as long as you win.
- Vinny Jones

I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the League.
- Mark Viduka

"Let no one accuse baseball of not being tough on drugs. During his baseball career, Steve Howe was given 7 lifetime suspensions."

- Bill Ferraro, baseball fan

"Sparky is the only guy I know who's written more books than he has read."
- Ernie Harwell (broadcaster), on Sparky Anderson's autobiography "They Call Me Sparky".

"People ask me what I do in winter when there's no baseball. I'll tell you what I do. I stare out the window and wait for spring."

- Rogers Hornsby

"I say this from the bottom of my heart, that if you don't root for the Dodgers, you might not get into Heaven."

- Tommy Lasoda

"I will perish this trophy forever." - Johnny Logan

"I know the name but I can't replace the face." - Johnny Logan

"Best player ever? I'd have to go with the immoral Babe Ruth." - Johnny Logan

After playing an exhibition game in Canada, Logan was surprised to learn that "even the kids speak French."

I dunno. I never smoked any Astroturf."

-Tug McGraw, asked whether he preferred grass or Astroturf

"The only reason I don't like playing in the World Series is I can't watch myself play."

-Reggie Jackson

"People think we make $3 million and $4 million a year. They don't realize that most of us only make $500,000."

-Pete Incaviglia, baseball player, 1990

"[My] career was sputtering until [I] did a 360 and got headed in the right direction."

- NBA star Tracy McGrady, after signing with the Orlando Magic on Thursday.

"I'll always be Number 1 to myself."

-Moses Malone

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious"

-Alan Minter

"Fear was absolutely necessary. Without it, I would have been scared to death."

-Floyd Patterson, former heavyweight boxing champion.

"You can sum up this sport in two words: You never know."

-Lou Duva, boxing trainer

"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father"

-Greg Norman

Sources include:

Dumbest sports quotes

Labels: funny quotes

David (Series 1 Episode 1)

“When people say to me: would you rather be thought of as a funny man or a great boss? My answer’s always the same, to me, they’re not mutually exclusive.”

David (Series 1 Episode 2)

“She said, 'I'm your biggest fan,' and I said, 'Who are you?' She said, 'Paris Hilton.'”

“Look, just tell me where that lemon came from and I'll shut up and go away.”


“People see me in the suit and they know I'm not fooling anyone, they know I'm rock and roll through and through.”

“Why by a book when you can join a library.”

“To be honest I think you’re mad to let me and Finchy on the bleedin telly. We’re like Morecambe and Wise when we’re together. No, not Morecambe and Wise, because there’s no straight man, there’s no dead wood. I’m more sort of character based, and he’s more of a gag man. I do gags as well.”

David (Series 1 Episode 3)

“I’ve created an atmosphere where I’m a friend first, boss second. Probably entertainer third.”

David (Series 1 Episode 1)

Pol Pot - he rounded up anybody he thought was intellectual and had them executed. And how he told someone was intellectual or not was whether they wore glasses. If they're that clever, take them off when they see him coming!

Ricky Gervais Biography

Labels: funny quotes

Quotes (mostly by politicians) showing a lack of common sense

"We are not without accomplishment. We have managed to distribute poverty equally."
-Nguyen Co Thatch, Vietnamese foreign minister


"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

-Joe Theisman, quarterback and sports analyst


"Fiction writing is great, you can make up almost anything."

-Ivana Trump, on finishing her first novel


"I've read about foreign policy and studied, I now know the number of continents."

-George Wallace, 1968 presidential campaign


"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."

-Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC instructor


The world is more like it is now then it ever has before.
Dwight Eisenhower


Eight more days and I can start telling the truth again.

-- Sen. Chris Dodd (D, Conn.), on the Don Imus show, on campaigning
"The Stupidist Things Ever Said By Politicians" - by Ross and Kathryn Petras


If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very low crime rate.

-- Marion Barry, mayor of Washington, D.C.
"The Stupidist Things Ever Said By Politicians" - by Ross and Kathryn Petras



You read what Disraeli had to say. I don't remember what he said. He said something. He's no longer with us.

-- Bob Dole
"The Stupidist Things Ever Said By Politicians" - by Ross and Kathryn Petras



I cannot tell you how grateful I am -- I am filled with humidity.
-- Gib Lewis, speaker of the Texas House
"The Stupidist Things Ever Said By Politicians" - by Ross and Kathryn Petras


Dan Quayle Quotes
(extending his hand during a campaign stop): I'm Dan Quayle. Who are you?

Woman: I'm your Secret Service agent.


"If I would do another 'Terminator' movie I would have Terminator travel back in time and tell Arnold not to have a special election." --California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, after all four of his ballot initiatives were roundly defeated in the special election he called, Nov. 10, 2005


"Get some devastation in the back." --Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, to a staff photographer as he posed for a photo op while visiting tsunami-ravaged Sri Lanka, Jan. 6, 2005 (Source)

Labels: funny quotes

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.


"He didn't say that. He was reading what was given to him in a speech."
Richard Darman, director of OMB, explaining why President Bush wasn't following up on his campaign pledge that there would be no loss of wetlands.


"The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe."
Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia.


"Please provide the date of your death."
-from an IRS letter



"A verbal contract is not worth the paper it's written on."
-Samuel Goldwyn

Helpful Warnings: "CAUTION: Knife is very sharp. Keep out of children"


"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."


As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. - Weisert


"We apologize for the error in last week's paper
in which we stated that Mr. Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force. We meant, of course, that Mr. Dogbody is a detective in the police farce."

-Correction notice in the Ely Standard, a British newspaper


"Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly."

-Batman costume warning label

"The private enterprise system indicates that some people have higher incomes than others."
-Gerry Brown


"I was provided with addtional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version."
-Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony


"We are sorry to announce that Mr. Albert Brown has been quite unwell, owing to his recent death, and is taking a short holiday to recover."

-Parish Magazine

Source for some of quotes

Labels: funny quotes

"AM I bovered? Do I look bovered?"

"Are you disrespecting me and my family?"


"I love astrologer Jonathan Cainer. I ring his phone line twice a week and he's always spot on with me and three million other Taureans. But I know it's MY soul he's looking into."

Catherine Tate

"If people don't know who you are, the show hasn't worked very well - but it's not like I'm bombarded with people shouting bovvered at me."

Catherine Tate

"If you're writing a catchphrase before you write a character, then that's not a good thing."

Catherine Tate

"The thing with catchphrases is that you can't make people say them, It's the audience that keeps catchphrases alive."

Catherine Tate

"People do tend to be a bit wary when I'm around in case I take them off, but I'd never do it."

Catherine Tate

Quotes from Catherine Tate Show

Various Characters:" Are you a farmer miss? You a farmer miss? You old McDonald miss? You old McDonald, innit."

Teacher: No, Lauren you know very well I am not a farmer, now enough of this.

Various Characters: Well, I'm not being funny or nuffink, miss, but you do smell like a farmer.


(homosexual in denial): Who dear? Me dear? Gay dear? No, dear!

"Are ya calling me a pikey?" "Are ya calling me dad poor?" "Are ya disrespecting me family?"


Man: You are a disgrace to your profession.

Estate Agent: What are you talking about I'm an estate agent.

Labels: funny quotes